“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”
~~ George Bernard Shaw ~~

“Nobody ever died of laughter.”
~~ Max Beerbohm ~~

“Laughter is nothing else but a sudden glory arising from some sudden conception of some eminency in ourselves, by comparison with the infirmity of others, or with our own formerly.”
~~ Thomas Hobbes ~~

“[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”
~~ Mark Twain ~~

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”
~~ Paula Poundstone ~~

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
~~ Steven Wright ~~

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”
~~ Steven Wright ~~

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”
~~ Lily Tomlin ~~

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
~~ Emo Philips ~~

“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
~~ George Carlin ~~

“I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.”
~~ Peter Ustinov ~~

“He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.”
~~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ~~

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
~~ W. C. Fields ~~

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
~~ Steven Wright ~~

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
~~ Albert Einstein ~~

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
~~ George Carlin ~~

“Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.”
~~ Fred Allen ~~

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
~~ Ellen DeGeneres ~~

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
~~ Ellen DeGeneres ~~